How Does It Feel?

Got married recently.

I’m twenty five and that seems to be young for my demographic. Which I find, fine, despite some peoples reaction. I found the woman I want to potentially make the biggest financial mistake of my life with; every boys dream.

Pretty lucky guy I guess; things are good; they were good before we got married. That’s why we got married. People seem to have a hard time understanding that concept. I get a lot of really annoying questions now.

“How’s married life?”

“How does it feel?”

That one in particular

Fuck you, is how it feels. Every time somebody asks me that,  I fantasize about punching them right on the throat.

I kid you not, I have been asked that question more times, than days I have been married. The most nothing, stupid, fucking question. How does one answer that?

“Feels like shit Bob”

“I made a real pooper this time”

What do people actually expect when they ask you that?

You don’t care dude, you are just trying to be pleasant. Me sitting there for half an hour trying to explain how; the ritualization of a contract between two people to remain physically and emotionally monogamous with each other for the rest of their life, makes me feel, is not what you actually want to hear. Which makes that entire exchange excruciating. You are not being polite, you are holding me hostage.

You want to hear: “Good” and move on with your fucking day, when you could have just as easily asked me “How’s your water?” and I would have given you the same response. It would make for a weird exchange, but at least I wouldn’t hate you for it.

…

So it feels fine.

…

I’m happy… So far.

I try to stay sober about these things. Call it the immigrant’s mentality. Things are good until they’re not. That’s why my grandma still has a wad of Cuban pesos stashed in her underwear drawer at my mom’s house… in Hollywood… Florida… in The United States… of not Cuba.

I guess you never know when an economically underdeveloped island might rise up, take over the biggest military power the world has ever seen, and uproot hundreds of years of financial institutions within your lifetime… she’s 80 years old.

…

But I get it. To an extent.

I try to live in the moment. But it is a moment.

Try vocalizing that to your partner without sounding noncommittal.

Actually, don’t do that, it’s hard. I have tried…

People hear me say shit like that and they get all weird. Like it means I don’t think it’s just gonna work out.

And they’re right.

I don’t think shit just works out. Especially, not something as hard as marriage. That shit takes work. A lot of work. Years of work. And she can still fuck the pool-boy 20 years in.

OK, I don’t actually think that…. I don’t have a pool-boy. I’m poor. It just worked better for the hypothetical. But you never know, I could have a pool boy one day. Why the fuck not? Why shouldn’t I be able to own a home with a pool which would require a boys tending? Why do I sell myself short like that? (Note to self: talk to my therapist about that).

The point is, unlike those fools that walk into marriage because of some romantic comedy’s idealized version of love. I didn’t come in with delusions. I had this same perspective coming into the marriage.

Marriage didn’t make me cynical, I was cynical to start.

But I still did that shit.

So what the fuck do I know?

That’s a bad way to end this. I mean, the whole thing was about my frustration with the annoying, pleasant banality of the post-marriage, “How does it feel?” Type questions. So I guess I should at least try to answer it for anyone here that might be inclined on asking:

It feels good. If this was a mistake, which is likely considering the success rate of such a venture, it would have been the best mistake I have made, in what is a lifetime of mistakes. It feels like waking up, getting dressed, going to work, coming back home, watching TV, playing videogames, showering, and going to sleep, except there’s always someone there. Sometimes they suck, most times they’re great. It’s the same life I had, only now its not just mine, and that feels good. So please, leave me the fuck alone.