Hanging in there.

I need to gain some perspective. Lately, when I’ve been asked how I’m doing, I find myself answering with “eh, hanging in there.” I have used this so often recently, that it’s been stapled to my lexicon in such a way that I have to consciously break myself from that standard response. It now takes effort to answer with anything else during the everyday pleasantries I exchange with co-workers.

If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t entirely know what that is supposed to mean. At some point I must’ve thought it was a good nothing-enough response to keep people from asking additional questions; a conversational stop sign of sorts. But this is not only dishonest; it’s also counter-productive to the process of reaching the mental state I would like occupy. Not only does it not end conversations, as it prompts others to probe deeper into what is causing me to just be “hanging in there”, but it also has the effect of creating a personal narrative of instability.

To “hang in there” imagines a scenario in which I am in some sort of metaphorical ledge which I seem to be incapable of getting over to reach safety. This implies that I am failing to reach a kind of mental or physiological stability, and this is simply not true. Yeah, some fucked up shit goes through my head sometimes, but who doesn’t have intrusive thoughts now and then? I am not a tortured artist or a manic depressive work drone at the verge of suicide due to a monotonous life. I have dreams and aspirations, they are nebulous, but I have them. I have wonderful friends and family members that fill my life with interesting and fulfilling interactions. I have a wife I love and a dog I love slightly more (that’s only like 90% a joke). I am young and healthy and in relatively good shape. I have an entire life ahead of me and the tools and ability to make it a happy life. I have artistic pursuits and people who support them. Sure I have some unanswered questions about my career path and what I want my life to look like in the near future, but as far as existential crises go, I don’t think that’s too bad. I think that puts me pretty damn far from just “hanging in there.”

That is such a cunty thing to say too. I can just imagine the people I interact with, these older men and women carrying the weight of a lifetime of stresses and unfulfilled dreams which I am yet to experience, looking at me as they ask “how are you today?”  They see this young 20-something guy with his entire life ahead of him look back and say “hanging in there.” Bitch, what the fuck could you be going through?! They’d be right to think that to an extent. Because at the end of the day, what could be so bad about being me? Sure, I am carrying some childhood traumas and fears, I am often crippled by a nagging tendency to self-sabotage, and an even more nagging lack of initiative in certain aspects of my life which I have not quite figured out the root causes for. But those are all relatively good problems to have. In fact, none of those problems are an immediate threat to my future or livelihood. Those are all problems that I am rational and capable enough to work through with the proper help, patience, and discipline. I have a whole life to figure myself out and be better as a result. I am still a bundle of possibility and potential yet unfulfilled, looking back at someone over fifty, working at a job they don’t love and telling them I am just hanging in there. I really am not, if anyone can say that, it’s probably that hypothetical co-worker. That is tantamount to someone who is in good shape calling themselves fat in front of people who are actually struggling with weight-loss…. Fuck, I do that shit too. Goddamn it, I am a pretty terrible person. I need to work on that.

I guess the point here is that I need to start injecting some positivity into the way I communicate because words matter. They matter because I tend to believe that a lot of what we are is the narrative we tell ourselves about ourselves. Ones perception of themselves can often be realized if that narrative is persistent enough and believed enough. I am not trying to get all The Secret here; you can’t just make wealth and success materialize by telling yourself that it’s coming. But if you go around saying that you are just “hanging in there” maybe, just maybe, it’ll start feeling like you are. If you keep telling yourself that you do not deserve joy and success, eventually you will start believing it, eventually, everyone will. And is that what I want for myself? To ignore the potential of a life that could be filled with joy and success and love? To look at this life of wonderful possibilities and just be “hanging in there”? I don’t think so.

So how am I doing?

I’d say pretty fucking fantastic.