30 Questions

These are some questions I need answered and Google won’t help:

Is gasping a good way to communicate with your dog?

Is a drinking game called “you can’t do that”, in which you take a shot every time a cop in Law and Order: SVU does something blatantly illegal or unconstitutional, potentially life threatening?

Why do happy memories make me sad when I think about them?

How many of the 2,000 members of the Seminole tribe (which now owns the multi-billion-dollar Hard Rock Corporation) are a little bit glad that the genocide happened?

Why has Flynt Michigan been without water longer than Colin Kaepernick has been without an NFL contract?

Why do we deserve lightning bugs?

Why don’t we hear about more people biting dicks off while giving a blowjob whether by accident or intent?

Why do I hate myself but love these fries?

Are arguments over what constitutes ‘boiling’ water, a sign of a healthy marriage?

Are victims of childhood neglect a little jealous of victims of childhood abuse because at least they got some physical contact?

What’s the weather like on the day of my funeral?

Why do I have an irrational fear of drinking water that has been left in an exposed glass over night?

At what age should I no longer feel bad if my grandparents die?

If time is non-linear, then why am I always late?

Why isn’t there a reverse Final Destination movie where all the characters narrowly escape gruesome deaths and then happily live out the rest of their days?

Why don’t we beta test babies?

My wife walked out to Thriller by Michael Jackson at our wedding; should I feel guilty about it?

Why does money feel free when I use a credit card?

Why does all non-fruit food taste like mercury and burnt tires when I’m on acid?

Why is Google’s text-suggestion feature trying to guide me through conflict resolution?

Why does my dog search for a specific spot to poop outside as if he knows exactly where he’s supposed to?

At what point can you start calling a train, a train?

If I could live to be 300 years old, why would I do that?

Why doesn’t someone just give that guy more cowbell?

Why does thinking about my survival plan during a zombie apocalypse help me sleep at night?

Adults always told me I could be anything I set my mind to. Did they lie to me or am I just lazy?

Why isn’t “Finding Gary Busey Attractive” defined in the DSM?

If you are what you eat, then where are all the restaurants selling fulfillment?

What are robots afraid of and where can I buy a lot of it?

How did the ancestors of the people who don’t use their blinkers when turning survive and procreate?

Why did I lie and say there were thirty questions here when there were actually thirty-one?