Look, the internet is covered in list articles and I write on the internet sometimes so I figured, why not give it a try? You might be asking why I’m rationalizing this to myself, and the answer to that question is – Fuck you, I’m not insecure, you’re insecure! –
Let me start over –
So these internet list articles are usually educational in nature. They tend to be about interesting topics that most people would be drawn to like; “7 Signs that your child is planning to destroy you” or “Top 5 methods of amputating a frost-bitten toe” or “10 Incredibly Easy Ways to Cry Yourself to Sleep at Night”, you know, the usual topics. The problem with that approach is that I lack the discipline and drive to do the type of extensive research required to write about a topic I don’t know anything about. As you can imagine, this minor detail really narrows the scope of potential topics I can choose from. Luckily however, through a series of bad circumstances and poor life choices, I have become an expert in two things; hating my job and casual contemplations of suicide. So I decided to inject a little sunshine in everyone’s day by giving you all the reasons why death is a better alternative than working at a corporate office:
- Conference Calls
Is there a slower and more painful death for a soul than having to sit through an hour of people jerking each other off over the phone? “That’s a great idea Jerry”, “Excellent point Bobby”, “We really appreciate your input Mark!” Fucking kill me. Why are you forcing me to sit through these agonizingly prolonged conversations riddled with interruptions and technical difficulties in order to justify your job title? At some point you have to realize that most everyone in these calls have their phone on mute so you can’t hear the sound of their eyes rolling all the way back to their colon.
Email communication is nearly instantaneous with today’s technology, there is little to no reason to force a group of people barely clinging onto their humanity to sit and pretend that this overview of a new addition to the SOP is necessary. Dude, just put that shit in writing and spare us another reason to eat rat poison. Half of the people on that call already need to stare at their children every day before they head off to work, so they can remind themselves that there is a reason to live. Too many references to suicide? Yeah, I thought so too…
Conference calls are adulthood’s version of a high school principal talking about responsibility before a Homecoming dance. Everyone is just counting the seconds until this is over so we can go back to being riddled with anxiety and existential angst. Only difference is that at Homecoming at least you had hope that your crush would dance with you, or that you might be able to get a kiss at the end of the night – or in the wildest of fantasies – that she might willingly touch your genitals. Also, in high school, after the principal was done speaking you don’t have the crushing realization that this is your life now, and that your hopes and dreams were derailed by reality, pragmatism, and bad decision-making. Actually, conference calls are nothing like a high school principal talking before a Homecoming dance. That is a terrible metaphor.
- Bagel Friday
This one was difficult for me because I am a big fan of free food, especially free food I can spread strawberry cream cheese onto. Now, I know there are some people out there who are not fans of strawberry cream cheese… Fuck those people.
I think there is some variation of Bagel Friday in most corporate offices. A day in which your employer tries to distract you from your looming depression and suicidal thoughts by speeding up your journey into obesity, clogged arteries, and an early grave. Their hope of course being that the dopamine released through the consumption of carbs and sugar is enough to keep you from setting your desk on fire and walking out without turning back – a la Denzel Washington in The Equalizer.
I’m not sure what is the worst part of Bagel Day; it’s a close call between the implication that your bosses are doing you some kind of favor, and the excruciating exchanges with people who are actually excited about this event. Both of those hurt my soul for distinctly different reasons. First off, the implication that you are doing your employees a favor by giving them free food is a little gross. You have way more money than us and we are exchanging time from our lives for an insignificant fraction of the money you will make as a result of our labor; I think the least you could do is complement our shit salaries with some pastries. Bagel Fridays are just thinly disguised motivators for the purpose of increasing productivity, yet they are marketed as ‘employee appreciation’, which is not only disingenuous, its also a little insulting to our intelligence. Just call it what it is, “Free food day so you don’t hate us for treating you like the replaceable component that you are”, I think I would respect that more. Secondly, and I don’t want to disparage all the people who look forward to stuff like this, if your life is empty enough that free food at work is something that gets your dick hard, the last thing you need is for some asshole like me to kick you while you are down. HOWEVER, if you walk pass my desk on the way to get some bagels and you look at me with wide and excited eyes and try to talk to me about how you prefer the everything bagels or how you just hope they have the chive cream cheese today, you deserve to be kicked while you are down, right in the anus.
- Linda
Many, many, many, many, many years ago when man was just beginning to climb out of the primordial ooze and onto the saddled back of dinosaurs, there existed a being made out of pure hatred. A being so vile, that it’s mere presence caused vomiting and severe constipation. A being so foul, that its only method of communication was passive aggression and gossip. A being so dastardly, that it would copy all your supervisors when pointing out a mistake you made so that they would look good by comparison. As you’d expect, the atmospheric pressure of Earth at the time could not contain a single entity made out of all of the cuntiness, and so this being exploded into countless little pieces which scattered throughout the world and embedded themselves in millions of unsuspecting embryos. This being was called Linda, and while she was once whole, she is now broken into a legion of tortured and sexually repressed souls which roam the hallways of corporate buildings worldwide.
If you’ve ever worked in an office, you likely encountered one of these aggrieved fragments of Linda. Maybe it was when your coworker started making ‘quips’ about your tardiness; or when you heard “Again?!” when you stood up to use the bathroom a third time; or when you asked a simple question to someone who totally knew the answer but they directed you to find the email sent by HR two months ago that referenced the topic of said question when it would have been way faster to just tell me the goddamn answer you stupid cunt…. Sorry, got a little personal there. You get my point, this person is everywhere and we have all come into contact with them. Their life is their work and they like to exert their limited and pathetic power at any moment they can because that is what gives them the only spark of joy they have left. They like to talk about how busy they are and how they hate being late and, if they are feeling friendly, they’ll have the same four canned observations about the weather.
Seriously, fuck you Linda.
- “Positivity”
So we know that a corporate job can be dispiriting. What starts as a perfectly practical and sensible job, over time, starts feeling more and more like a trap. You start looking around and every day you find one more reason why being in this job is ultimately justice for all the terrible things you have done throughout your life. Yes, the money keeps you above the poverty line, and finding another gig that does the same without getting grease or seamen in your hair is difficult, and even if you did find a new job, what are the chances it will be any better than where you are now? And just like that, you are in purgatory. And purgatory is a long wait at a DMV in which all the chairs are metal dildos. This can be a frustratingly lonely place, which makes finding other people who also hate the fact that there’s an uncomfortable hunk of metal up their ass – invaluable.
Being surrounded by people who also hate their job makes it just a little bit easier to endure your misery. It creates a species of camaraderie built upon the strong foundations of sadness and desperation. That little bit of mutual assuredness that you are not alone in your disdain for your work-environment, is better for your mental health than an emotional support animal.
On the other side of the spectrum of human decency, lies the overly optimistic coworker. That one asshole who refuses to validate any of your frustrations. The person that is the first to get on the phone call or to reply to the group emails with overzealous use of exclamation marks. The individual who ends all their emails with; “Teamwork!” or has a different inspirational quote in their signature line every month. There is something so inherently inhuman about this person; about this psychopath, who has lied to themselves so many times that they are actually starting to believe it. Every now and then a moment of humanity does escape these people. But it’s never in moments of careless joy; it’s always unexpected outbursts of clearly restrained frustration serving as windows for the real monsters that lie within. Their feigned joy makes me want to find the one thing that brings these people actual happiness, just so I can destroy it in front of them, to see their last real smile fade from their face forever.
- You.
Yeah kids, this might be one of those, ‘the call is coming from inside the house’, type of situations. After all, who put a gun to your head and told you that you had to stay there? Who dragged you into work every day and kept you from looking for opportunities beyond that elevator lobby? Who told you that your life had to be practical? Because we may be victims of circumstance, but we are not slaves to it; we are slaves to our own choices… except for actual slaves, they were definitely slaves to circumstance too.
If you are finding your work-life as depressing as I find mine, it might be less about the location and more about yourself. Because those people will exist anywhere you go, those annoyances are universal and as long as the office is the most relevant aspect of your life, you will only amplify its power and influence over you. Because it’s not about their persistence, it’s about how much you let them bother you. You might be “stuck” in that job, but you don’t have to be stuck in your personal development unless you choose to be. Pick up a hobby, find a passion, something that brings you fulfillment just because you are choosing to do it. Unless you own the company, every day you come to work you are giving your time and effort to someone else’s vision. Forty-plus hours of your life per week, weeks that turn into months and then into years. And in the end, what do you really have to be proud of? A title? A bonus? You can try and tell yourself that you contributed to building something but let’s be honest; how much agency did you really have over your work? Were you steering the ship or just along for someone else’s ride?
Look, we can’t all start a business or be our own boss. But just because you are not the captain of the big ship, it doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have your own rowboat. Sure, it might not be as grand or as impressive, but at least you’re the one steering this time. Is this metaphor making sense? I should really work on that… The rowboat can be making pottery, or painting, or building models. Just something that makes you feel useful, something that belongs to you, something you can do your own way. Find that thing that gives you a sense of personal achievement and soon you’ll see all those things you hate about your office become less and less annoying. They will seem less important, because they will be less important. Make your life more than just your job or risk being consumed by the frustrations of lacking self-determination. The last thing you want to be is that crazy guy awake at 3:00 a.m. writing out a 2,000+ word manifesto railing against the evils of working at an office instead of doing something to change their life……. I’m going to get some sleep now.
Lando Writes Sometimes 